About Me

Who am I? I am a survivor. I faced one of my greatest fears in life and I am daily overcoming it. I did not choose for this to happen but I know I did everything I could to survive. I have my ups and downs, my nightmares and good memories. I feel that writing it out helps.

Monday

Always Picked Last

I just got back from a Halloween dance with my church tonight. It was held at a barn a few miles away from my house. The music was awesome. I came with three new friends of mine. We all looked cute.

Though it was over two years ago I still feel uneasy about myself and being in crowds. I still feel different. When all the girls I was with got taken off to dance by some guy, one by one, leaving me standing there in a crowd of dancing people all alone, I was for certain, stamped on my forehead was "invisible"; don't talk to her, don't touch her, don't even look at her. I felt like I will never be cute again, like no matter what dress I put on, or how much make-up I am wearing, or how beautifully my hair is done, it does not cover the sign. It does not cover what happened, in my heart and on my face.

It is as though nothing I can do will cover what I am now - a rape victim. I am someone who has overcome something so horrible but I cant tell anyone about it. I feel as though I will always be a victim, always broken, always scared, always invisible.

I don't know what this feeling is; I am no little girl anymore, I have no innocence, I am not able to be loved. I don't know if I am just a body or just an image of someone who once was floating around, trying to be noticed, trying to be normal again but can never, not matter what I try, or what I say.

I feel like I am always alone. Not only do I get picked last but I don't get picked at all. No one will ever want someone who is damaged is what I can't stop playing over in my head as I watched everyone else dance.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

You are beautiful. You ARE a survivor.

Jones said...

You are beautiful. You ARE a survivor.

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